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Couple Relationship Issues
We can hardly do without relationships! it is how we are designed. But what can bring us happiness, self-esteem, and deep satisfaction when positive, can be miserable when full of conflict and anger. Relationships also challenge us to grow as individuals more than probably anything else in life. Having a third person in the room (the therapist) allows couples to say the things they never could say otherwise, but that must be said and worked though.
We can hardly do without relationships! it is how we are designed. But what can bring us happiness, self-esteem, and deep satisfaction when positive, can be miserable when full of conflict and anger. Relationships also challenge us to grow as individuals more than probably anything else in life. Having a third person in the room (the therapist) allows couples to say the things they never could say otherwise, but that must be said and worked though.
The three main areas that bring couples into psychotherapy:
Family of Origin issues / mood and feelings / and internal conflicts.
Family of Origin issues / mood and feelings / and internal conflicts.
Family of Origin Issues
Our childhood family experiences often burden our current relationships with problems and expectations that need to be left behind. As a therapist I can't count how many times couples see the "repeat of history" in their marriage of childhood family experiences, regardless of how they vowed to do things differently in their own family.
The reason this repetition is so likely to happen is that as children we see, experience, and learn from what goes on around us with a wide open mind and these experiences are very deeply set into our psyche. We accept what we experience as "just how it is"; we know no other possibility. So, if our parents yell and argue (or, conversely, are emotionally absent), that is how marriage is supposed to be- that is how you communicate. Sometimes we vow to live otherwise, but the patterns often reassert themselves. It takes more than determination. It takes examination and learning new ways. It takes work.
The reason this repetition is so likely to happen is that as children we see, experience, and learn from what goes on around us with a wide open mind and these experiences are very deeply set into our psyche. We accept what we experience as "just how it is"; we know no other possibility. So, if our parents yell and argue (or, conversely, are emotionally absent), that is how marriage is supposed to be- that is how you communicate. Sometimes we vow to live otherwise, but the patterns often reassert themselves. It takes more than determination. It takes examination and learning new ways. It takes work.
Mood and Feelings
Another large area of concern which brings couples into therapy is problems with feelings. Sometimes its about feeling numb (depression) or overwhelming feelings (anger, jealousy, or anxiety) that seem out of control and drive us to act out destructively. The trend is to medicate such problems away, but this only affects the symptoms and leaves the underlying issues untouched. And sometimes medications don't work well, have side-effects, or stop being effective.
Using insights gained through self-reflection with the aid of a sensitive therapist, overly strong feelings lessen in intensity and feelings lost to depression, resurface.
Often I see patients who have never in their lives been listened to carefully and with understanding.
This is a very valuable experience that is rarely experienced in the modern world. Its benefits are great!
And couples especially need to learn to listen, REALLY listen, to each other. There are techniques that help (such as using "I" statements), and also couple's learn from the therapist how to ask questions, spends a lot of time listening, following up, digging in for a fuller understanding. This is helpful for couples, who learn a lot about their spouse that wasn't well understood previously. And, of course, being understood helps reduce anger and other moods which make relating so difficult, so often.
Using insights gained through self-reflection with the aid of a sensitive therapist, overly strong feelings lessen in intensity and feelings lost to depression, resurface.
Often I see patients who have never in their lives been listened to carefully and with understanding.
This is a very valuable experience that is rarely experienced in the modern world. Its benefits are great!
And couples especially need to learn to listen, REALLY listen, to each other. There are techniques that help (such as using "I" statements), and also couple's learn from the therapist how to ask questions, spends a lot of time listening, following up, digging in for a fuller understanding. This is helpful for couples, who learn a lot about their spouse that wasn't well understood previously. And, of course, being understood helps reduce anger and other moods which make relating so difficult, so often.
Internal Conflicts
We tend to feel confident we know our own minds and control our own destiny. And to some extent this is true. But a lot that goes on in the mind happens outside of our awareness in our unconscious, and can compel us to do things not in our best interests or against our conscious intentions.
Why is this so? It seems to make no sense and can seem crazy! The mind is often in conflict; one part wants one thing, and another goes counter to that intention.
One of the main goals of psychotherapy is to widen the scope of our consciousness and control of our own mind, and thus improve our lives in deep and lasting ways.
This of course affects our relationships! One of the basics of the human mind is ambivalence– that is, our feeling one way and the opposite (or another option) at the same time. As such, we both want to be in a relationship, and don't at the same time. We want to be close to another, and fear it and push away. This can't be changed fully, but it helps to know this is normal and to be expected from ourselves and significant other. Otherwise, we get scared needlessly, afraid we are being abandoned when that may not be likely to happen, even if the idea is in our, and our significant other's, mind.
Why is this so? It seems to make no sense and can seem crazy! The mind is often in conflict; one part wants one thing, and another goes counter to that intention.
One of the main goals of psychotherapy is to widen the scope of our consciousness and control of our own mind, and thus improve our lives in deep and lasting ways.
This of course affects our relationships! One of the basics of the human mind is ambivalence– that is, our feeling one way and the opposite (or another option) at the same time. As such, we both want to be in a relationship, and don't at the same time. We want to be close to another, and fear it and push away. This can't be changed fully, but it helps to know this is normal and to be expected from ourselves and significant other. Otherwise, we get scared needlessly, afraid we are being abandoned when that may not be likely to happen, even if the idea is in our, and our significant other's, mind.
Of course, these areas overlap and interact with each other, and all affect our relationships.
We are complicated creatures! And life is complicated as well. Everyone experiences disappointments, losses, aging issues, as well as all that is fine and positive in life.
As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I can help you adjust to these challenges and move forward with renewed energy and greater capacity.
I hope you will visit my San Diego, Hillcrest office and get the attention in therapy that you deserve.
We are complicated creatures! And life is complicated as well. Everyone experiences disappointments, losses, aging issues, as well as all that is fine and positive in life.
As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I can help you adjust to these challenges and move forward with renewed energy and greater capacity.
I hope you will visit my San Diego, Hillcrest office and get the attention in therapy that you deserve.